we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
