gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
