There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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