If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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