Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Shame - the story of my life.
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