Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
