KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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