It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
