I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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