tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
