Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
