I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Congratulations! We have a period
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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