I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
