Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
