who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
