If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
