i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
