I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
