I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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