Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
