she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
