I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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