You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
