he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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