You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
