tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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