so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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