We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
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Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
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I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I need water and some morals
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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