Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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