before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
