I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
