I haven't been this sober since birth.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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