This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
