I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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