So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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