just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
