I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
