I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
