Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours