The maid of honor just puked.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.