he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
