I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
