meet me or not, i'm out of control
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
