Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Is Oprah even human
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
