I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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