checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Every concussion has its silver lining
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
