I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
