I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
