Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Randomize
