I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
