Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
