just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
