I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
