The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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