I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
