I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
