dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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